His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
