I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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