Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
