oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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