Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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