I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
