I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
