please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
