i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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