She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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