I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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