i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
