Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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