That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
