I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
