I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
