I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
