I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
