Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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