just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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