how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
