it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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