How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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