tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and i looked up. we had an audience...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
