oh god the rape fog is back!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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