My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
