Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize