the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
