I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize