You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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