Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
