is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
not ubering you a puppy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
