I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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