**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
