Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
