420 ftw
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
