I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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