Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize