she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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