We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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