When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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