Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize