She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
