There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
