based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You left your phone here
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