When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize