i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
