Someone shit on the floor
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
