best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
