I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
