Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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