So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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