We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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