I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize