So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
