I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
