Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
