Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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