So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
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