I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Randomize
