dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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