He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
