its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
