i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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