we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
