He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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