My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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