so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
