When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
