She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
