It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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