i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
